Children now privvy to hipster epidemic sweeping over Portland

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Small children are sick of having more energy and motivation than their bearded, pot-smoking, PBR-drinking hipster parents. They’re so fed up they’ve taken to graffiti and street art to get their point across.

“Sometimes I just want a real hamburger, but my mom won’t let me,” Turquoise “Kensho” Smith said. “But all she does is smoke pot and collect stupid, worthless rocks.”

Is there any hope for kids suffering from Retardis Hipsteris Nonparentai? Doctor Kathrine Welsh thinks not.

“Hipsteris is a real problem, especially locally,” Welsh said. “When children are more responsible and prolific in their efforts than their parents, you have to wonder how is it affecting society as a whole.”

Have you suffered through this disease? Please tell us on our RSOTS Facebook page.


RSOTS is back with a brand new…attention span

RSOTS has forsaken you. But our creator was inspired last Friday when she saw vomit on the sidewalk. She stopped her friend and made him wait for her to take a picture.

"This is my art," she said.

“This is my art,” she said.

"You make me sick. Literally."

“You make me sick. Literally.”


Rotten Trojan: no longer a warrior worth wearing

We’re ready to get back on the streets. Here’s what I just saw, melted into the concrete, walking north on 99 E in Milwaukie. Someone didn’t get laid, or maybe they spread AIDS. What do you think?


Misplaced anger turns giant ice cream sandwich into giant mess

imageAs a protest against her own childhood obesity, Manni Pedie purchased what has been reported as a 5 foot ice cream sandwich made by an actual witch.

“I had to carry it with both hands,” Pedie said, “I’m so used to being lazy that I had no idea I had to put effort into eating ice cream.”

While Pedie was unwrapping her blasphemous mix of chocolate and vanilla treat, she became possessed by torturous memories of her youth.

“It’s not fat, I’m just big-boned,” Pedie cried as she body slammed her human-sized dollar store dessert.

Local obesity sympathisizers ushered Pedie into a cargo van and brought her to their “safe place” where she is now leading demonstrations on New Age vegan recipes for yuppies and hipsters with nothing better to spend their money on.

For more information, please contact EatShitAndYouWillDie@scaredtolive.com.


RSOTS wants to know WTF is wrong with you nasty bitches?!

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I’m not even gonna make up a story about this one. I found this freshly used tampon applicator in the parking lot of Neimeyer Theater at Clackamas Community College. There’s a bathroom nearby. Why didn’t this disgusting female shove something absorbent between her legs for two minutes instead of shoving a tampon up her coochie in public? Maybe she wanted her 15 minutes. Well, you got it, you dirty devo.


Witchhouse pioneers take tinfoil hat to next level

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Confused lead put-that-drummachine-preset-on-loop player, TriAngled BrainTumor, said that s/he was “really into Wilhelm Reich” before distributing these cellphone tower and deadly orgone protectors aka poorly tagged wannabe witchy hubcaps.

They didn’t work so hipsters were tricked into using them as bike helmets.

Photo contributed by Trey Witteried.


World’s Wickedest Man goes bonkers in SE Portland

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Aleister Crowley was spotted wandering on MLK just 1 block south of The Lovecraft last Wednesday night at around 11 p.m. He said he was seeking the Holy Grail but all he could conjure up was a crappy puzzle from the Dollar Tree.

“I am perplexed. Is this a river of blood or a giraffe in heat? Abracadada your momma,” Crowley said.

Experts recorded his electromagnetic field onto a portable thumbdrive that is being replicated and posted on EBay tomorrow afternoon.